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• 1 2020-03-26T14:39:46+00:00 Remy Gajewski 10 plain 2020-05-14T02:50:35+00:00 The Mayor is Watching
  May 13th, 2020
  
  On March 26, Lori Lightfoot, the mayor of the City of Chicago, publicly expressed her disappointment in the city's lack of social distancing, and presses for citizens to stay home. Quickly, the internet has made her into a meme, photoshopping her face onto different photos, usually where he presence interrupts social activities.
  
  It's been made into an idea that Mayor Lightfoot is "always watching", and therefor you shouldn't "step out of line". Lori Lightfoot is being portrayed as guarding the city, to an almost invasive extent. Some memes have also been placing her in front of police "do not cross" signs and photoshopping her with police cars, which considering the relationship between police and the black community, especially in Chicago, rubs me the wrong way. 
  
  If you ask me, this trend feels very surveillance-y, and while humorous the idea behind it (that the mayor, who represents the government and those in power), are always watching your actions. The community is acting very pro-constant surveillance with this trend. Recently, this has escalated to people making cardboard cutouts of her and placing them in front of their houses, or in different public places. Ive seen this first hand and honestly it feels very weird to me. One thing is for sure, is this trend definitely makes you feel very "watched". 
  
  
  A Dangerous Precedent 
  May 11th, 2020
  
  In the wake of this pandemic, we have been allowing our government to get away with heavy surveillance out of fear, in the name of using it for safety. Location tracking, screening, facial recognition, ect. have all skyrocketed in use, with little to no pushback. 
  We saw this with 9/11, with surveillance increasing astronomically with little pushback from the population because it provides the comfort of the idea of safety (whether it actually makes spaces safer is debatable). Once these powers are given, they are hard to revoke as the precedent has been set.
  Many ways in which demonstrations happen, and political action happen, can be easier to track and break up now more than ever in the name of public health. Surveillance is the enemy of political protest and direct action, and as it increases the ability to participate in these activities becomes more and more endangered.
  Giving more power to the government during this time at first glance feels like the right thing to do in order to keep people safe. Mandating the wearing of masks, the closure of businesses, and the gathering of people are all things that many don’t question. I agree that these things need to happen to keep people the safest possible and thwart the spread during this pandemic. But it must also be recognized the danger that comes with awarding these powers to political powers so freely.
  We should be practicing these behaviors in the name of harm reduction and as a service to our greater community as a whole. We need to be accountable to one another. But giving more power to the government, easing on surveillance laws and giving up privacy in the name of this pandemic can be more dangerous in the long term than it is helpful in the short term.
  
  
  Groceries
  May 2nd, 2020
  
  I have been doing the grocery shopping for my family, and navigating that space as I walk into the grocery store has been stressful to say the least. Since grocery shopping has been the only thing I’ve been leaving my house for, I have enjoyed driving and getting to be in the world again for a moment, but that feeling quickly fades when I’m shopping, as I become the most aware of myself and my body as I can be, as well as others. Today I was in a rather crowded Costco, and as I tried to find a variety of items in this massive maze of a store, every moment I worried about entering someone’s space, feeling as if every move I was making was being watched because it was. I subconsciously was watching others, as I found myself mentally passing judgements on the two teenagers I saw take off their masks to take a snapchat, or when I saw someone wearing a mask only over their mouth and not their nose. I mentally had to catch myself with these thoughts and judgements, as I found myself gross making them.
  Why am I suddenly so critical of other’s bodies? Part of it, maybe, is the feeling that I’m being watched. I felt guilt when I adjusted my mask because it was getting itchy, because I was touching my face. I felt horrified as I subconsciously went to go touch some fruit to check for ripeness. I felt I was being glared at when I went to look in the same freezer for something as another shopper. Sometimes I would find myself getting into someone’s space during shopping, which is unavoidable, and once I thought I heard someone tell me to “get away”. It was a noisy store and I don’t know if this was actually said, but my brain formed that as the response nonetheless.
  I went to the snack area to get some chips and stuff for my family to snack on, especially to grab my dad some peanut m&m’s because they are his favorite. This area being instantly less crowded I suddenly felt self-conscious and had an internal moral dilemma for myself: this isn’t essential stuff, is it wrong for me to shop for snacks, which are for enjoyment? Am I being judged? Is this selfish? I was both feeling surveyed by others and scrutinized for my actions but a lot of it was coming from within as well.
  All of this is pretty standard for a trip to the store nowadays for me. I return, and before I’m greeted hello I’m told to go wash my hands. I’m overly aware of my body reentering my house, feeling as if I need to go shower and toss my current clothes into the laundry.
  I worry these feelings myself and others face will last long beyond our current situation. I worry that after the height of this pandemic, the fear of others and the body will continue.
  
  
  
  
  Comfort and Independence
  April 27, 2020
  
  My comfort level in my living space is very different at my home in Chicago and my experience living at college, where i spent my first year living and dining in Keep Cottage. Ive been aware of the difference in how i navigate these two spaces, and my very different comfort levels, since very early on, but coming home to a quarantined life has made it ever so present in my mind. Much of it has to do not with the physical space itself, but who i share the space with and thus who is able to survey me, consciously or subconsciously and under what circumstances? Ive been grappling with why i am in fact more comfortable existing in my living space in Keep, where i share a house with some 50 other people, than i am at home where I currently am with living just my two parents and one of my brothers. I felt more comfortable playing music loud, or talking openly and honestly about things, and just existing in the way i wanted to without much care about being questioned or judged. At home, i resign myself to my room as much as i can, and keep volume low and try to limit the possible perception of me as best i can. My parents are 1. more likely to want to look into my life, my behaviors, my actions, and 2. less likely to understand and accept things they aren't used to. While i was living with more people and was at "risk" of being surveyed much more often at college, i felt more comfortable and less watched than in my home with just 3 other people. I don't have an inherently negative relationship with my parents, but i think much of it is part of my need to have independence. Coming back from a space where i was independent by default, i have to fight to have control over my life and have independence for myself, especially as my parents still know me as their child and see me as someone who needs to depend on them. Thus, fighting being perceived and seen, or putting myself into a situation where i may be simply asked "what are you listening to?" or "what are you doing?", is much of a result of my strong desire to have even a sliver of the independence i felt and enjoyed in my space at Oberlin. 
  
  
  Using Self Surveillance to Cope
  April 11, 2020
  Struggling with mental health during this pandemic has felt near impossible for me, with my mental library of coping mechanisms I've curated over the years rendered almost useless. Ive found the complete isolation to be interesting in my way i interact with myself and the environment around me: my phone and classes aside I'm not subject to surveillance by my peers in any physical manner. I could put my phone in a drawer and erase myself from the world around me. At times I've considered this, as social media in this time of pandemic often has just made me feel so much worse, but i would miss my check ins with my friends too much. In many ways, I'm alone in a way i haven't been before. When i was back in this house before, struggling at the height of my mental illness in high school, i still went to school, got out and went to therapy, interacted with the world. Taking my parents out of the equation, who I'm currently living with, I'm accountable only for myself (living with them during this pandemic is a different surveillance experience to be saved for a future post). In everything i do, i don't have to worry or think about being seen, theres no "performing". This is both freeing and also risky for me, as someone who both cares debilitatingly about how i'm perceived but also as someone who finds value and comfort in the simple presence of others. Isolated, I'm relearning two new things: how do i cope in an isolated world, and who do i want to be for myself? Both of these i see as very connected. This time of pandemic is leading many people, including my peers, to what are often unhealthy and irrational decisions in a way to cope. Struggling in a way i haven't in awhile, the battle has been how do i stop myself from participating in these behaviors? The answer is that i have to keep myself in check. I have to ask myself: "What does this behavior say to me about myself?". In other words, I've created myself as the one i have to perform for: i need to not let myself down, disappoint myself, damage my relationship with the healthy strong version of myself i see inside me. Do i like myself when i do this? Do i feel better about myself when i get up and eat a healthy breakfast, or when i sleep all day? What do these decisions say to me about who i am right now? I have to watch over me. No way is this a solution, and whether its objectively the best is up for interpretation, just like the ambiguous question of right-or-wrong with surveillance in general. 
  In this time i have found my best way of surviving is to look within and think, to analyze. 
  I need to keep myself in check, but for no one else but myself. 
  Below is an image I've seen circulating a lot, often with the caption "which one are you today"? I often feel like many of these images at once, and i think they accurately display the array of emotions I've been experiencing, some of them more positive/neutral and others more debilitating. I like to think number 3 is me at least some parts of each day, as i work towards healthier behaviors.